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Facebook Unveils New Waste of Time

Quora User
April  7, 2013

Facebook Unveils New Waste of Time

Posted by Andy Borowitz (Satirist, comedy writer.)
MENLO PARK (The Borowitz Report)—Before  a rapt audience at Facebook headquarters Thursday, Facebook C.E.O. Mark  Zuckerberg unveiled new software that he promised “will totally change  the way you are wasting your life.”

Explaining the development of Facebook’s new phone software, Home,  Mr. Zuckerberg said, “Our research showed that Facebook users still had a  few hours a day when they were leading somewhat healthy and productive  lives. Our new software will change all of that.”
Mr. Zuckerberg said his developers had worked  for months developing Home, “which seizes control of your phone and  makes it good for little other than Facebook—much like many Facebook  users themselves.”

By bombarding the user with status updates on a twenty-four-hour  basis, he boasted, “Home transforms Facebook from just a social network  into something akin to a neurological disorder.”

As the audience applauded that pronouncement, Mr. Zuckerberg added,  “At Facebook, we want to be a million voices inside your head.”
When one member of the audience worried whether Home would give  Facebook even more access to private information about one’s life, Mr.
  Zuckerberg reassured the questioner, “After using Home for several  weeks, you will have no life.”

While clearly proud of his latest product, Mr. Zuckerberg gave notice  that he did not intend to rest on his laurels: “At Facebook, we will  never stop striving to replace real experience with something soulless  and empty.”

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